you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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