I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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