Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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