I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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