Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
