my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
