i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
