You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
