sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
