seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
