the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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