so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
