bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
