That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
