I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
