He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
