she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
