dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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