Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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