I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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