There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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