Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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