i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
