ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
