Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
