just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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