from now on my penis is your penis
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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