I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
