i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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