i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
another moral hangover. fuck.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
