Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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