well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
