So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
