can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
