You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
