I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
