I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
