At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
