did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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