I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
