Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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