I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
