If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
