No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
