Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
