Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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