in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
