I wish I could punch you in the face.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
whose parrot is this?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
