haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
