I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
