I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
