I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
