Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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