Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
